O Canada!

I was flipping through Newsweek Magazine’s “The (mostly) Big Thoughts Edition” summer double issue and I encountered the most astounding fact. The issue features a two page spread that examines the question of whether or not the United States has any oil (the answer is yes), and includes a graphic that lists the top countries in terms of crude oil reserves. Here’s the list, by the Billion Barrels:

1. Saudi Arabia – 262. 3
2. Canada: 179. 2
3. Iran — 136.2
4. Iraq — 115.0
5. Kuwait — 101.5
6. U.A.E. – 97.8
7. Russia – 80.0
8. Venezuela – 60.0
9. Libya – 41.4
10. Nigeria – 36.2
11. Kazakhstan (NICE!) – 30.0
12. United States – 20.9

If you had to stop reading the list when you got to #2 because your jaw had dropped to the floor, you’re probably not alone. Canada has 179 BILLION BARRELS of crude oil reserves? Based on the on ontemporary price of $145 for a barrel of crude oil, the value of the Canadians reserves is somewhere on the order of $25,984,000,000,000 TRILLION (Lord only knows what it will grow to over the next decade or two). Coupled with the largest reserves of fresh, potable water in the world, Canada has the potential to be one of the most powerful nations of the 21st century.  Everybody blathers on about how this century will be the “Chinese Century,” but nobody mentions the Canadians. How have the Canadians managed to pull the wool over the world’s eyes? I’m beginning to see through the ruse. 

A number of years ago I was visiting with my Grandmother in Miami and we decided to drive down to the Hollywood Boardwalk for some ice cream and a leisurely stroll. Hollywood, Florida has always been a popular location for a certain set of Canadian snowbirds who are attracted by its abundance of cheap motels and tacky novelty shops. As my Grandmother and I drove around searching for a parking space, Grandma remarked, “Those Canadians are so smart, they buy up all the parking spaces.” At the time, I thought her statement was patently preposterous. I mean, how could Grandma know who owns those parking places? But also, it seemed farfetched to proclaim the residents of a particular nation as being smart when they look like this –

– but still wear bikini speedos on the beach; end every sentence with the interjection “eh?”;  and pronounce “about” like “a-boot”? But now I realize that Grandma was on to something. The Canadians aren’t just smart, they’re playing us for fools.

The Canadians are  sitting on a 25 trillion dollar lottery ticket, but instead of acting like a bunch of asses by building hotels shaped like sailboats on man-made islands, hiring man-servants to take care of their pets, buying A380 Superjumbos to fly as private jets, and using Crystal Champagne as toilet water, they instead focus their attention on such pressing matters as how the Canadian Broadcasting Company decided not to renew the license for the iconic “Hockey Night in Canada” theme song, known for four decades as “Canada’s second national anthem.”

Just imagine if the United States were sitting on 179 billion barrels of sweet crude. Do you think we might make the rest of the world aware of that fact? Perhaps lord that information over other nations to coerce their actions in accordance with our desires?

American politicians like to blame porous borders and liberal policies for our illegal immigration problems, but if we didn’t spend so much time boasting about how great it is here in America, I doubt so many Mexicans would go to such effort to get here. We have only ourselves to blame really. Just take a look at the respective National Anthems of the United States and Canada and you will find everything you need to learn. The American national anthem ends with the line: “Land of the free and home of the brave.” Who wouldn’t want to live in a nation that upholds those values? Those words are nothing but a recipe for illegal immigration. Now, have a look at the final lines of the Canadian national anthem: “O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.” That sounds more like the motto of a frozen prison colony. I’m imagining a line of Mounties standing horse to horse at the border aiming rifles at anything that moves. Yet another brilliant move on the Canadians part: “Nothing to see here. It’s very cold. Please move along.”

But that Canadian ability to fly under the radar might soon be a thing of the past. For one, I believe the Canadians are making a terrible mistake by holding the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver. What do they think will happen when 1.5 million people or so show up for the Olympics and discover a city with clean air, a low crime rate, friendly people, and oh, free national healthcare for all its citizens? Do you think some of those visitors might think of returning and perhaps staying for good? If I worked for the Canadian government, I would start running an anti-immigration/anti-tourism campaign: “CANADA: It’s colder than a witches titty, moose and polar bears have the right of way, and Eskimos are permitted to hunt and kill Americans with impunity!”

With great power comes great responsibility, and the Canadians have shown little predilection for either. I would guess that most of them are reasonably happy with the way things are and they plan on keeping it that way. However, ten or fifteen years from now, once gasoline costs upwards of $10 a gallon and global warming really gets into gear, Canada will no longer be able to hide its embarrassment of riches, the world WILL take notice. My advice, my fellow Americans, is to buy into Canada now before its stock goes through the roof. Canada is like Microsoft circa 1986. I don’t know about you, but I’m heading for the border.