You see, I understand Barack Obama to be a supremely arrogant yet secretly insecure individual who, in his frequent hours spent obsessing over himself, would determine that although a person as erudite as himself doesn’t actually need something so outmoded as “experience,” he would stilll assess that the “general public” might require a V.P. with experience in order to “complete” the ticket. So, of course, Barack Obama would then demand a V.P. with the most possible experience. And since Teddy Kennedy has a brain tumor and West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd is 91 years old (not to mention a former klansman), that pretty much meant that his choice had to be Joe Biden. Obama clearly has a serious need for adulation and reverence and so it was clear to me that he would believe that Joe Biden would in a sense “complete” him and best help provide the veneration that he dearly requires.

As for John McCain, he’s a gambler. He’s not the kind of guy that would leave the blackjack table with modest winnings. He’s the type of guy that would put his whole stack in and say, “Either I double it or I walk away with nothing.” We saw this trait in the primary where he pushed all his chips behind the Iraq troop surge when almost the rest of the country was urging that we cut our losses and swiftly withdraw. There’s that now famous footage of him carrying his own luggage through an airport during the darkest days of his campaign. And 8 months later, he has just accepted the Republican nomination for President. And yet most pundits seriously considered that this man would play it safe with a Mitt Romney or Tim Pawlenty. These “paid” personalities decided to completely ignore all the obvious evidence staring them in their pasty whte faces and instead trotted out the same, tired old pablum such as “The most important thing about Vice-Presidents is that they don’t hurt you.” If I worked at CNN, Fox News, or M(ighty)S(tupid)NBC, I would just save myself the cost of having to hire these blowhards in 2012 and just run the same tape they’ve been using this summer. It won’t make a lick of difference.

In fact, in order to better put myself in the mindset of a raging narcissist and an inveterate gambler, I asked myself what a couple of people I know that fit those descriptions would do. For Obama, I used an arrogant jerkoff I used to know who happened to attend the same alma mater as Barack Obama and thought to myself, who would he choose if he were running for President with Obama’s qualifications? And for McCain, I used a manic depressive friend of mine with a bit of a gambling problem and asked the same question. So there you have it, I utilized an arrogant prick bastard and an unemployed manic depressive gambler as stand-ins for our nominees and I was able to correctly guess who they would choose for their important decisions of the entire Presidential campaign. Scary, isn’t it?

So there you have it.

Additionally, there’s a few articles that I’d like to get off my chest over the next couple of weeks and then I think I might have to take a bit of a break from covering this campaign. It’s starting to feel like 2004 again (which is something I’ll be writing about) and I think things are going to be getting quite ugly in the near future (again, something which I’ll be writing about). I’d rather not have to spend so much of my time thinking about all the ugliness, unplug and put a little bit more of my energy into the start of the NFL season and the MLB playoffs. But before I do that, I want to write about a few things: 1. The Sarah Palin coverage and the damage it has caused 2. I want to explain once and for all why a good number of Clinton supporters are still holding out 3. I want to explain all of the innumerate missed opportunites the Obama campaign had to bring Clinton voters into the fold since May. I realize that items 2 and 3 have obviously been written about elsewhere, but I think I have a take on things that you might find interesting.

Sarah Palin: Current Governor of Alaska, former two term mayor of Wasilla, Alaska.

Upside: A young, attractive female Governor who has had abnormally high approval ratings during her tenure as Governor. She is VERY popular. Her approval ratings have been as high as the 90s and consistently in the 80s, making her the most popular major politician in the United States. And it almost goes without saying that with approval numbers that high she is nearly as popular among Democrats as she is among Republicans.

Where did she come from? Well, in January 2004, she resigned in protest as head of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission due to ethical violations by another commissioner, Randy Ruedrich, who was ALSO REPUBLICAN STATE CHAIRMAN. She became a political outcast by taking a stand on the issue of government corruption. But lo and behold. she was vindicated later in 2004 when Ruedrich was forced to pay a $12,000 fine for breaking state ethics laws. She instantly became a principled crusader against corruption in the eyes of the public and a thorn in the side of Republican leaders.

But she wasn’t done yet. In 2005, she joined a Democrat in filing an ethic complaint against state Attorney General Gregg Renkes who was also a long-time campaign manager for Republican Governor Frank Murkowski. Renkes resigned a few weeks later, and Palin was again lauded as a caped crusader.

During the 2006 Republican primary for Governor, she crushed incumbent Governor Murkowski and then defeated the Democratic nominee by 8 points. Now I’m not an Alaskan and I don’t even know an Alaskan so I can’t speak for them personally, but I would hazard that the reason she enjoys such universal approval across the political spectrum is that she is seen as a politician who actually takes stands based on her beliefs, even if they are not politically expedient (hello, Senator Obama?). You may disagree with her on policy issues, but you’re going to respect anyone who radiates such personal integrity, who actually puts their money where their mouth is. Senator McCain has placed his personal sacrifice for his country as among the preeminent reasons that he more qualified than Barack Obama to be President. Who better to reinforce that image than a woman who was willing to sacrifice her political career in order to fight government corruption? Palin, who is pro-life, also just brought to term her 5^th child who has Down Syndrome.

A few other nuggets: she was a high school basketball star that took her team to the Alaska State Championship; she was second runner-up in the Miss Alaska beauty contest; she is a lifetime NRA member and her oldest son joined the Army last year.

Upside/Downside: I’m not sure whether to characterize this observation as an upside or a downside, but the fact of the matter is that Sarah Palin is hot. A former beauty queen, she has graduated to a kind of sexy, smart, Tina Fey/Naughty Librarian level of sultriness; prim and proper during the day, but a tiger in the bedroom at night. Now we all know that John McCain enjoys the company of younger women, particularly beauty queens. Voters may very well project lecherous thoughts into McCain’s head during every joint appearance.

And here was my prediction ON JULY 9TH:

Best Pick: Sarah Palin. Her youth and inexperience on foreign policy matters are handicaps, but her appeal to conservatives and the novelty/boldness of her selection would guarantee McCain plenty of good press. The former high school basketball star, beauty queen, and principled crusader against government malfeasance is the type of story that would have reporters crying tears of joy. Whether you agree with her on the issues or not, it would be very difficult for Democrats to besmirch her integrity as a corrupt, hypocritical Republican (not that the Huffington Post or Daily Kos are known for their integrity. I’d put the over/under on two days before they’d start attacking her for giving birth to her child with Down Syndrome. Perhaps they might advocate for the old Spartan practice of leaving “defective” babies on the slope of a mountain to die. There’s a real, palpable sickness on the far left in this country. They are allowing their arrogance and anger to subjugate their sense of decency. If there’s anything they should have learned from the past 7 years, it’s that there are consequences for that kind of behavior. A reckoning, if you will. It is sad and unfortunate that they lack the self-awareness to see that.)

Runner-Up: Eric Cantor. I flip-flopped back and forth on this decision (uh-oh, there goes my political career), but I finally went with Palin over Cantor even though Cantor represents a vital swing state. Cantor would still be a fine selection for McCain, but I think his status as a white male marks him as too conventional for this election [note: as a Jew, I do NOT self-identify as a white male. Judaism is unique among major religions in that it is a religion AND an ethnicity. However, rest assured our national media will characterize Cantor as a white guy). Cantor also lacks the image of being a reformer.

Likely Pick: Sarah Palin. I have a feeling that John McCain has a fairly thorough understanding of the situation he faces: a bad economy, rising gas prices, voters who are angry and fed-up with our government leaders, and a charismatic opponent that has a pliant national media eating out of  his hands. A year ago McCain’s Presidential campaign was all but buried and he decided – whether through principle or not (not that it matters) – to make the highly unpopular decision to back the troop surge in Iraq. And here he is. He needs to hitch his ride to another long-shot and hope that lightning strikes. What does he have to lose? Without a doubt, this is his last Presidential election. If he plays it safe with a Mitt Romney or Mike Huckabee, he’s road kill. Sometimes being the significant underdog is a blessing in disguise. McCain needs to make a pick that shows daring and boldness, that shakes up people’s perception of him, that wakes up his conservative base, that reminds the voting public that he is not George Bush III. I can’t think of anyone better than Sarah Palin to accomplish that. John McCain needs to roll the dice one more time. With the number of disaffected Clinton voters who don’t plan on voting for Obama actually GROWING in number, selecting Palin for VP might just be the tipping point that leads to a mass exodus of Clinton supporters away from Obama. Like I said, what does McCain have to lose?

I mean, seriously, is there a more prescient person in the entire world??? Why aren’t I working for CNN or FoxNews you ask? Why? Because I’m too intelligent for those douchebags. More later.

**UPDATE**

So the Obama campaign decided to attack Palin for her experience:

“Today, John McCain put the former mayor of a town of 9,000 with zero foreign policy experience a heartbeat away from the presidency.  Governor Palin shares John McCain’s commitment to overturning Roe v. Wade, the agenda of Big Oil and continuing George Bush’s failed economic policies — that’s not the change we need, it’s just more of the same,” said Bill Burton, Obama Campaign Spokesman.

As usual, this is a mistake. The Obama campaign just doesn’t get it. Women look at this and say that unlike Obama, McCain believes that he has to earn their votes. Yes, many women do not share the some positions on the issues as Palin, but many of them can respect her accomplishments as a person and as a women. For the Obama campaign to have the chutzpah to attack her as inexperiened is just foolish. Better for them to ignore Palin entirely. Despite what the punditry would have you believe, there are plenty of Clinton supporters whose feelings are still raw. Attack Sarah Palin for being “inexperienced” when in reality she has just as much, if not more, than Barack Obama, they’re going to quickly diminish any progress that came out of the convention. Why was Tim Kaine, who had just as much executive experience as Sarah Palin, so reflexively considered a good choice for Barack Obama’s V.P. and yet Sarah Palin is not? Obama supporters had better tread very carefully with Sarah Palin. Stick with the issues and ignore everything else. I’m sorry but they have long ago lost the right to attack a woman on anything other than policy positions. Keep it up and a lot of Clinton supporters will quickly empathize with Palin and will re-live all of the rampant misogyny of the primary all over again. And you know what? This time around they understand that their votes are enough to make the difference in the outcome of the election. The Obama campaign had better wake up to that reality soon. Clinton women are watching…closely.

I still believe Brian Schweitzer is the best candidate, but the highly respected Joe Biden is a safe, if not sexy, choice. If you haven’t noticed, the Obama campaign has been trying to portray Obama as a more mainstream, conventional candidate. Joe Biden would do nothing but buttress that image. Plus, Joe Biden would clean up in the Vice-Presidential debate just about anyone John McCain could produce.

The rationale for the choice has changed slightly from when I wrote that as I tend to believe that the crisis in Georgia (the Balkans, not Atlanta) played the paramount role in Biden’s selection. Obama has miraculously been able to get by with staking his entire foreign policy/Iraq War judgment on a speech he gave in 2002, but he unfortunately did not have a high school essay on the Russian-Georgian conflict that he could allude to as the basis for his superior judgment on that particular war. To compensate, the campaign selected Biden in order to fill a gap that they foresaw as a major line of attack for the McCain campaign should that conflict — or any other conflict — flare up between now and the election. However, then (JULY 7TH!) and now, I still believe the Biden selection was a mistake. Don’t get me wrong, I like Biden and strongly considered supporting him in 2004 before I settled on Wesley Clark until switching allegiance to John Kerry when Clark bowed out (it’s amusing to me now how easy and reflexive that switch actually was). I’m not particularly looking forward to having to listen to Joe Biden on a daily basis for the next 2 months but that’s not why I oppose the pick. Here’s why:

1. Why no Clinton? Obviously this complaint is not specific to Biden alone, as choosing anyone other than Hillary Clinton would have raised the hackles of numerous Clinton supporters, but to anyone that has been following this Presidential campaign in the slightest, Hillary Clinton was a no-brainer (the irrational, deranged Clinton-haters aside).  Supposedly the Obama camp was concerned about having Bill Clinton out on the campaign trail, fearing that he might say or do something detrimental to the campaign? Really? Hasn’t anyone on the Obama campaign bothered to see Godfather II or do they just spend all their time reading self-affirming articles on the Huffington Post: you know, “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer”? Does that not ring a bell? The Obama camp is treating Bill Clinton like he’s a Fredo. Bill Clinton is a motherfucking Godfather! You saw it last night! When he’s motivated there is nobody better to have on your side. Now what’ll happen is that Bill will return home and wait for a phone call from the Obama camp asking him to hit the road for them or make some appearances with Obama. That call will never come though because of Obama’s pettiness and arrogance. Instead, Bill will stew and then sooner or later he’ll be interviewed and his raw emotions will be expressed in a manner that undermines his convention speech. Bill’s a sensitive dude, how can the Obama camp not foresee this entirely predictable scenario? Plus, they’re worried about Bill Clinton saying something gauche, and yet they got out and choose the biggest gasbag in the entire U.S. Senate for V.P., which obviously places him as front runner for biggest gasbag in the known universe. And furthermore, just like Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden voted for the Iraq War and just like Bill Clinton, Joe Biden made a, shall we say, less than politically correct statement about Barack Obama. And somehow Joe Biden should be forgiven whereas Hillary and Bill are nothing less than devils incarnate? Talk about hypocrisy. I know everyone seems to believe that unity is all around us, that hatchets have been buried, that happy days are here again, but you’re deluding yourself if you think that. I’m here to tell you that wounds are far from sown. Joe Biden didn’t exact wrench them open but he was hardly a salve.

2. Foreign Policy Dilemma. My biggest problem with the Biden selection is that it is a de facto concession that foreign policy is a problem for Barack Obama and furthermore that foreign policy can and should be an offensive front for the Obama camp. Look, Democrats couldn’t win an election in 2004 when the Iraq War was at its nadir and we had a genuine war hero as our candidate and now we’re going to win the foreign policy debate with a community organizer as our candidate??? Get fucking serious. This is not to say that the Obama/Biden shouldn’t attack McCain on foreign policy. On the contrary, they need to attack but just not with a frontal assault. Rather, they should attack guerrilla style, like the Viet Cong. Undermine John McCain with negative attacks on his notorious temper and how he can’t be trusted due to his bellicosity. This whole notion that Obama/Biden can/should go toe to toe with John “Hanoi Hilton” McCain is just reckless and stupid. The largest dilemma is that should there be another international crisis between now and election day, everyone is going to look to Joe Biden NOT Barack Obama for an opinion. After a while, people are going to start wondering, why am I voting for schmuck #1 when schmuck #2 seems to have the experience and knowledge.

As for my Republican pick for V.P., my guess that it would be Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is not looking so hot. I don’t back off my belief that she would still be the best possible choice, but it now appears down to ass clown Mitt Romney or Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty. Pawlenty wouldn’t be a bad choice as I wrote that Pawlenty is the:

The young, handsome Governor of a nominally blue state who was one of the earliest supporters of John McCain, serving as his national co-chair since 2007. He has an immigration plan that is to the right of John McCain’s plan, which might play better with conservatives. He’s personable and friendly and a big hockey fan who practices with the Minnesota Wild – he even used to have a hockey player mullet, which he recently trimmed. He’s generally liked by social and economic conservatives.

The political atmosphere has certainly changed since I wrote that on July 9th and it no longer appears necessary for John McCain to throw a hail mary which is why I guessed that he would pick Palin. However, I still see him as a significant underdog and he would do himself the most good by selecting a Palin or possibly an Eric Cantor. However, Pawlenty would not be the disaster that Mitt Romney would be — Romney would likely spell the end for John McCain. Pawlenty is likable and disarming and would actually play well in a debate against Joe Biden who’s more in the Dick Cheney mold. We shall see soon.

• There’s no reason to be surprised or (if you’re one of the dozen existing Rays fans) concerned about the Tampa Bay Rays 7 game losing streak. Think of it as a “regression towards the mean.” The Rays have some top notch starting pitching among Scott Kazmir, James Shields, Matt Garza, and even Andy Sonnanstine has put up 10 wins, but they’re 8th in the American League in runs scored. Their everyday SS, Jason Bartlett, has 9 extra base hits (8 doubles, 1 triple) in 273 at bats! With the exception of rookie Evan Longoria, none of their “big bats” are performing anywhere up to par. From last season to this season, B.J. Upton has gone from a .300/24/82 with a.894 OPS to a .276/6/44 with a .787 OPS; Carl Crawford has gone from a .315/11/84 with a .821 OPS to a .270/8/47 with a .700 OPS; and Carlos Pena has gone from a .282/46/121 with a 1.038 OPS to a .236/14/47 with a .778 OPS. In order for the Rays to seriously compete with the Red Sox for the division crown, they’ll need major improvements from just about every offensive player on their roster in addition to adding at least one big right-handed bat and a shortstop with more power than a little leaguer. Realistically, the Rays are a 90-92 win team and serious contenders for a Wildcard berth, which is nothing to laugh at considering their pathetic team history.
• The Yankees are toast. And I’m not just referring to this season, but to next season as well. A team with a salary of over $200 million should NEVER have gone into a season relying on THREE rookie pitchers to carry them. Joba looks like the real deal but don’t you think they might be reconsidering not giving up Phil Hughes, Ian Kennedy, and Melky Cabrera for Johan Santana now? As it stands, they have somewhere on the order of $75 million coming off the books this offseason (Jason Giambi – $23.5 million, Bobby Abreu – $16 million, Andy Pettite- $16 million, Mike Mussina – $11 million, Carl Pavano – $11 million (remember him), Kyle Farnsworth – $6 million, the main culprits), but as a result they’ll have a number of huge holes. With no minor league position players they can realistically fit into their lineup, how do they not offer Mark Teixera 7 or 8 years at $150 plus million as well as $100 million plus to Ben Sheets and/or CC Sabathia? Not to mention, what do they do with Right Field? Do they sign Pat Burrell or Adam Dunn for $50 plus million, move Johnny Damon back to Center and put Melky Cabrera in Right? No matter what way you slice it, the Yankees will be forced to either overpay for position players or trade some or all of their top prospects for a player like Matt Holliday. And yet again, they’ll need to completely overhaul their bullpen aside from Rivera. They’re a disaster and I’m loving it.
• Most people didn’t notice but the Boston Red Sox may very well have won the World Series during last Friday’s 7-3 loss to the Baltimore Orioles: JULIO LUGO TORE A QUADRICEPS AND WILL BE OUT FOR 4-6 WEEKS! Oh happy day! I’m not sure I’ve ever mentioned this but I have an almost irrational hatred of Julio Lugo. My enjoyment of watching Red Sox games is seriously hampered by his presence on the team. I would actually rather see him strike out with the game on the line rather than get a basehit at this point because of the possibility that that hit might extend his stay on the Red Sox. Now we get to see talented rookie Jed Lowrie take over — something which should have happened last season — and hopefully never give the job up. Julio Lugo getting injured is the equivalent of adding an Albert Pujols or Hanley Ramirez to the lineup, that’s how much he detracts from the team by his presence. At this point, I can’t see how the Red Sox don’t win the World Series — unless they put Lugo back in the lineup in September that is.
• There are 3 Jewish All-Stars out there tonight: 1B Kevin Youkilis (.314/15/63), 2B Ian Kinsler (.337/14/58), and 3B/LF Ryan Braun (.286/23/66). A pretty nice trio I’d say. I don’t know if there are any All-Star Jewish Shortstops on the horizon, but we certainly could put together a nice Jewish infield. Oy!
• My apologies to Cliff Lee, but Roy Halladay should be the starting Pitcher for the AL. I know that Lee has the better record and a slightly better ERA (2.31 to 2.71), but Halladay’s 7 complete games and 2 shutouts are remarkable in this day and age. If Halladay were on any other team than the Blue Jays, he would be openly discussed as one of the great pitchers of his generation.
• I’m usually fairly biased when it comes to anything related to Red Sox-Yankees, but there’s absolutely no question that Mariano Rivera should be the AL closer over Jonathan Pabelpon. Rivera’s had the better season, end of story. But the treatment that Pabelbon and his wife received during this afternoon’s Red Carpet parade of All-Stars down Avenue of the Americas, where he was booed unmercifully and some threats were hurled at him and his wife, was typical no-class chickenshit behavior from Yankees fans that was completely uncalled for. Now I hope Rivera is used in the 5th inning or not at all. Maybe they can detonate Yankee Stadium with those ass-clown “fans” sitting in the stands.

Game time! Finally, mercifully!

Whoops, my bad, the longest pre-game introductions in the history of sport continues.

• George Steinbrenner being wheeled out to the mound doesn’t quite give the same level of chills as when Ted Williams was brought out at the 1999 Fenway Park, does it?
• Ted Williams at Fenway was one of those special moments that only sports can deliver.
• From my fiancee: “Wade Boggs looks weird. Like a serial killer.”
• I think we’re possibly within 45 minutes of game time.
• I’m predicting a 6-4 AL victory. The AL’s pitching advantage is the difference. But for the first time in a LONG time, I would actually favor the NL’s line-up, particularly at the top. Ichiro/Jeter gets schooled by Hanley Ramirez/Chase Utley. You wouldn’t know it by listening to Tim McCarver, but Jeter is an average baseball player at this stage of his career. Ichiro has finally brought his average up to .300, but Hanley Ramirez is one of the Top 5 offensive players in the game.

First Inning

Top Half:

- Hallelujah, the game’s on!

- I can barely watch the T.V. when Hanley Ramirez is on. To think that I could have been watching him for the past two seasons instead of Julio Lugo!!! Sure, it’s nice having Beckett and Mike Lowell, but trading a future Hall-of-Famer always has its drawbacks.

- Wow, Cliff Lee is fired up. Let’s hope — for Cleveland’s sake — that he doesn’t overthrow and have to go on the DL like Pedro Martinez did after striking out 5 in a row to start the 1999 All-Star game.

- Nice, quick half inning. 17 more of those and it might make up for the 2 hours worth of pre-game introductions.

Middle Half:

- How is Milwaukee going to deal with the impending free agency of Ben Sheets AND CC Sabathia? I like the trade they made, they saw an opportunity to boast one of the top rotations in the game and they took it — unlike the New York Yankees, who have quickly grown into chickenshit “let’s hold onto all of our precious prospects” mode — but I doubt the Brewers can sign both. I would sign Sheets if I were them. Sabathia has pitched a lot of innings and would soon look like Jabba the Hut after a year or two of living in Milwaukee.

- What a chump A-Rod is for not participating in the Home Run Derby. The whole “it screws up your swing” meme is complete bullshit and he knows it. You think that Josh Hamilton regrets his experience? A-Rod’s a coward, that’s why he didn’t participate in the Derby. He was afraid of looking bad. While he may undoubtedly be remembered as one of the greatest players to ever play the game, he’ll never be a legend.

Second Inning

Top Half:

- Wasn’t Albert Pujols supposed to have blown out an elbow by now?

- Who saw this season coming from Chipper Jones?

- Ryan Braun strikes out! Jews everywhere hang their heads in disgust.

Middle Half:

- That Kevin Costner movie “Swing State” looks painfully bad. My advice: rent the 1993 Clint Eastwood-directed Kevin Costner movie, A Perfect World, instead. Very under-rated film. Highly recommended.

- The Red Sox don’t have much choice other than to pick up Manny Ramirez’s option for next season. What else are they going to do? Sign Pat Burrell or Adam Dunn to an overpriced 4 or 5 year contract, trade Kevin Youkilis and Craig Hansen to Colorado for Matt Holiday (that was a proposed trade), or give LF to rookie Brandon Moss? It’s only a one year commitment, hardly a difficult decision.

- I always liked Milton Bradley. Crazy as all hell, but I’m glad he’s doing well for himself. It’s doubtful that he’ll be able to maintain his equilibrium though — If I were the Rangers, I’d trade him before the deadline and restock my minor league pitching depth.

- Kevin Youkilis strikes out! The Jews are growing restless!

Third Inning

Top Half:

- Yogi Berra making fun of Derek Jeter. Classic.

- Is there a more pathetic thing in sports than Yankee fans who wear those fake Jason Giambi moustaches? Yay, he’s hitting again, so let’s forget that he’s a steroid-taking, gold thong wearing moron. If the average human body is 60% water, I would guess that Giambi’s is 15% water an 45% HGH at this point.

- I wonder if “Fukodome” is actually prounounced “Foo-kay-dome” in Japan? Are there any Japanese out there that can confirm this for me?

Middle Half:

- I also have to say that I loved the Chicago Cubs trade for Rich Harden. Pair him with Carlos Zambrano and that’s nice 1-2. Unfortunately Harden is as fragile as a leg-shaped lamp and there’s at best a 10% likelihood that he makes it to the post-season in one piece.

- Nobody hits into a smoother double play than Derek Jeter. He’s truly a gifted athlete.

Fourth Inning

Top Half:

- Raise your hand if you’re excited for the X-Files Movie? Nobody?

- Halladay is a free agent after the 2009 season. It’s funny you don’t hear any discussion of the Blue Jays considering putting him on the trade block. I would expect they could extract no less than 2 top tier prospects as well as a couple of mid-grade prospects for him.

- What a laser from Ichiro to gun down Pujols at second. There’s nothing more enjoyable than having an outfielder on the team you root for who has a gun for an arm like Ichiro or Vlad Guerrero. I still miss Dwight Evans.

Middle Half:

- Madonna? Seriously, A-Rod? That’s who you end your marriage for? Just when you thought he couldn’t sink any lower, he starts dating a 49 year old woman. He could have had a Paris Hilton/Lindsey Lohan sandwich, but he settled for someone who was born in the 1950s.

Fifth Inning

Top Half:

- Pineapple Express will be a huge hit. I read the screenplay and it is hands-down hilarious. After The Dark Knight it’s the movie I’m most looking forward to this summer.

- Home run by Matt Holiday and we have a run on the board!

- If the Rays are serious about this season, Holiday would be a good addition. They certainly have the prospects to get the job done. It’s a question of whether they have the desire. I doubt it.

Middle Half:

- I was a little surprised that Billy Beane traded Rich Harden. The As are 7 games over .500 and had a realistic chance at the Wild Card. Methinks Beane might know a little something about the health status of Rich Harden that he’s not letting on. To think of all the pitching talent that Oakland has traded over the years — including Danny Haren, the guy on the mound for the NL — and they still have the best ERA in all of Major League baseball!

- Ian Kinsler with a stolen base! First the Jews control the media, the banks, and Hollywood, and now we’re taking over baseball. What will we think of next?

- Thankfully for Derek Jeter there are already two outs so he can’t hit into a double-play…Only a ground out to the pitcher. Rally killed.

Sixth Inning

Top Half:

- If I were Jason Varitek I would be significantly embarrassed to be named to the All-Star team. I know, it’s a great honor to be chosen by the players, but have a little self-respect and come up with a “hamstring injury” or something. Is his .218 average the worst in baseball All-Star game history? To think just how much A.J. Pierzynski has to be hated by his fellow players for them to choose Varitek over him.

- Lance Berkman drives a deep out to Sizemore in Center, Hanley Ramirez tags up, and the NL takes a commanding 2-0 lead.

- You can choose to call it classy, but I prefer to see it as Terry Francona embarrassing himself with this whole removing A-Rod and Jeter in the middle of the inning so they can get a big cheer. Terry, have a little respect for yourself. These Yankee fans deserve an opportunity to be dipped in a barrel of feces before they deserve an opportunity to cheer for their hometown clowns.

Middle Half:

- I feel like it’s time for a good All-Star game beaning. Milton Bradley is coming up soon. Maybe we could get the first brawl in the history of the All-Star game.

- That was a nice pitch by Haren to strike out Sizemore. Again, I reiterate, it’s incredible the amount of talent the As have had to trade.

Seventh Inning

Top Half:

-Apparently Pabelbon’s pregnant wife getting threatened by Yankees fans is a lead story on the Nightly News here in Los Angeles. I wonder if this story will get national attention? I ask you, do Yankee fans have any decency?

- Can we all agree that it would be nice if the Minnesota Twins overtook the Chicago White Sox in the AL Central?

- I just saw the the Clippers traded a 2nd round pick to the Nuggets for Marcus Camby. Good move by the Clippers, I’m shocked. Camby’s only under contract for 2 seasons and will improve their interior defense signifcantly. Probably not the move that Clippers fans were hoping for after losing Elton Brand, but they may be better off in the long run.

Middle Half:

- Wait, Corey Hart is in right field? Is he wearing his sunglasses at night?…Sorry.

- Edwin Volquez really does look like a young Pedro Martinez out there. He brings the ball up higher before his release, but very similar to Martinez.

- J.D. DREW ties it up with a 2 run jack! I think I’ve mentioned this before, but J.D. Drew’s emergence into an All-Star this season has me worried that the apocalypse is just around the corner. I will never be shocked by anything for the rest of my life after his turn-around.

Eighth Inning

Top Half:

- If I were Jonathan Pabelbon, I would just turn and start firing pitches into the stands. Fucking cowards.

- And the next time the Red Sox face New York, I’d plug a few Yankees batters for good measure.

- Yankees fan start chanting “over-rated,” which of course is a chant they stole from Boston Celtics fans. How pathetic. I have a chant for Yankee fans: how about “YEAR 2000!…YEAR 2000!…YEAR 2000!”

- NL takes a 3-2 lead after Navarro throws a ball into centerfield, allowing Tejada to get to third and score on a sac fly.

Middle Half:

- You know what, it might be a good thing if the AL loses, because that way the Red Sox would be able to celebrate at Fenway Park after their 4 game sweep of the World Series.

- Hey, were you aware that this is the last season at Yankee Stadium?! Shouldn’t they have been drilling that into our heads every 5 minutes for the entire length of the game?

- I’m going to go out on a limb and predict 10 All-Star appearances for Longoria’s career. He ties the game with a double down the left field line.

Ninth Inning

Top Half:

- K-Rod is into the game. Apparently he has 38 saves on the season! I take back my earlier comment that Rivera should be closing this game. He’ll be a free agent this offseason, can you say 5 years, $55 million?

- Oh please God, let Rivera blow this game.

- Seriously, Terry, neither Rivera nor his mongrel fans deserve your deference.

- Oh well, strike em out, throw em out and the inning is over.

Middle Half:

- C’mon Kinsler, hit a walk-off. Do it for the Jews!

- Oh my sweet Lord, the Yankees are coming to Fenway Park next week! Let’s pray that Radio Shack is stocked up on batteries!

- Kinsler strikes out. First the Exodus and now this! Haven’t we suffered enough?

- J.D. is going hit another one, I can feel it…and he strikes out.

Tenth Inning

Top Half:

- Rivera’s still out there. I like Terry’s strategy now: wear out Rivera in the All-Star game before the Yankees come to town next week. Brilliant.

- 1st and third with one out. Rivera may blow this yet.

- Crap, double play. It looks like Rivera will get out of the game unscathed…unless Terry is thinking of bringing him out there for a third inning? That would be too good, but it’s not happening.

Middle Half:

- Uggla was Uggly on that play.

- Uggla does it again, right through the wickets and it’s first and third with no outs. Oh right, Uggla was also the batter who just hit into the double play. You think he might just want to dig a hole out at second base right about now?

- Walking the bases loaded. I like the strategy, not much else you can do at this point.

- Oh thank goodness Uggla didn’t choke on that one, might have scarred him for life. One out, bases still loaded.

- Longoria up with a good chance to be MVP if he can get the run home…And he grounds out feebly to third and there’s two outs. This game has had quite the ending.

- WOW, what a play by Tejada! He has to charge hard, the ball hits the lip of the glass, he fields it and then he makes a powerful off-balance throw to just catch the runner! How about Aaron Cook’s performance under pressure there?

- How excited is Uggla right now?

Eleventh Inning

Top Half:

- If this game ends in a tie, I am going to be SO pissed off for spending my entireevening doing this live blog. If I do a live blog, I’m going to pretty much demand that I at least get to see a winner and a loser.

- Rafael Soria pitches to Christian Guzman — quite the parade of stars.

- Well, that half inning was quite a downer from the theatrics of bottom of the tenth. Let’s hope this game ends soon.

Middle Half:

- Kinsler with a lead-off single! The Jews may rise again!

- Kinsler caught stealing on a pitch-out! And he wasn’t even tagged by Tejada! These umpires are all anti-Semites, I tell ya!

- J.D. Drew singles up the middle which should have been the game-winning hit. He still might get the MVP unless there’s a walk-off home run.

- What a play at the plate! Great throw by McLouth, great block by Martin. There’s nothing better than a bang-bang play at the plate.

- On to the 12th. My fiancee is NOT happy.

Twelfth Inning

Top Half:

- I promised to get my fiancee Pinkberry when the game is over so I think I’ve bought myself another inning or two.

- What the hell kind of flip was that from Morneau? This isn’t a egg-tossing contest, throw the ball!

- Then Morneau fields a bunt that was going foul. Is he trying to make Dan Uggla feel better about himself?

- Francona decides to walk the bases loaded.

- Longest game in ASG history. Figures.

- Uggla strikes out. Is it possible to retroactively revoke a player’s All-Star selection?

- A pitching change? Seriously, Terry? This might have been one of his worst coached games ever. I’m dying.

Middle Half:

- Carlos Guillen DEEP TO LEFT…and it’s off the wall. It’s officially the game that never ends.

- Uggla almost boots another one, but gets the out. Will they walk the bases loaded and try for the double play?

- Nope, they bring the infield in. Strange, I would have at least put a runner on at first base and tried for a conventional double play.

- Longoria strikes out and the fiancee is getting very restless.

- Now they intentionally walk Morneau and Kinsler again has the chance to be the hero.

- Kinsler grounds out to third. Maybe he’s only half-Jewish?

Thirteenth Inning

Top Half:

- I’m slowly losing my will to live, but I’ll press on.

- How long before one of those broken maple bats lodges into a pitcher’s face?

- Now I’m starting to wonder, what happens if the AL runs out of pitchers? Scott Kazmir threw 104 pitches on Sunday so he won’t be able to go too long. Will they have to bring in a position player? In which case would Kazmir have to play in the outfield? Or will they just call it a tie? This is incredibly intriguing.

- Was George Sherrill and his 4.08 ERA really the best that the Orioles had to offer this season? I can’t tell you how thankful I am not to be an Orioles fan.

Middle Half:

- Someone named Carlos Marmol is now in the game to pitch for the NL. Even Peter Gammons is scrambling for his program to figure out who this guy is.

- Marmol has an ERA of 13.50 for his last 12 appearances. My mistake, All Star all the way.

- Oh my dear Lord, ANOTHER error for Uggla? I feel like the crowd at the end of Braveheart: Mercy! Mercy! Mercy!

- J.D. Drew steals a base. He can taste that MVP trophy now. He will NOT be denied.

- I’m guessing that Marmol is a Dominican based on his Pedro Martinez-like delivery. This is incredible: there must be an entire generation of Dominican pitchers who based their delivery on Pedro and will soon decend on Major League Baseball. I’m very excited.

Fourteenth Inning

Top Half:

- McLouth drills it to right, back, back, back! And J.D. Drew brings it it at the wall. I could have sworn that one was long gone. It was like the hand of God kept that one in the park. This game might not be ending anytime soon.

- And Russell Martin clocks one deep to right…and Drew catches it just short of the track. What’s it going to take?

- You can’t deny George Sherrill, son! On to the bottom of the 14th.

Middle Half:

- Why is Clint Hurdle using Brandon Webb when he has Brad Lidge still in the bullpen?? Webb also pitched on Sunday and the D-Backs didn’t want him in the game. This makes absolutely no sense.

- And Brandon Webb mows the poor AL down.

Fifteenth Inning

Top Half:

- Scott Kazmir is in the game. Now I’m really hoping that this game goes beyond this inning and we find out what happens when the AL runs out of pitchers. What recourse does Major League Baseball have if there’s a tie? It’s not like they can retroactively declare that the league that has the better record in interleague play has home field advantage in the World Series, can they? I bet they’ll have to do something stupid like a coin flip. Too funny.

- Kazmir walks Wright but gets a one pitch groundout from Guzman. My vision is growing blurry. At least I live on the West Coast and it’s not even 11 PM yet.

Middle Half:

- Now Brad Lidge is in the game, the last pitcher for the NL. Oh please let this game make it to the 16th inning!

- Leadoff single by Morneau. You know the AL is going to win now that I want it to continue.

- Ryan Ludwick makes a great diving catch on Ian Kinsler. Anti-Semite!

- Dioner Navarro singles to center and J.D. Drew is up with the MVP on the line. One lousy, little single and he’s got it.

- J.D. walks. He’s now been on base three times with a steal and has 2 RBIs. He may have the MVP yet.

- Young with a fly to right…play at the plate…SAFE! Wow, that was close. He might have made it by a toe. AL WINS!

- Terry Francona is a little TOO excited. Eleven wins in a row for the American League. I guess the Red Sox will be celebrating in Chicago or Arizona this year. Alas.

- J.D. Drew gets the MVP after all. Suck it Yankees fans, suck it! Ha ha!

Peace, I’m out of here.

adj.

Having or showing a definite tendency or bias; partisan.

Prepare for some tendentious broadcasting from Tim McCarver during tomorrow’s MLB All-Star game. Let me take a wild stab: Derek Jeter will be described as the best defensive shortstop the game has ever seen.

“So what? Who cares? Go to Starbucks,” you say. Well, I’ve acquiesced to drinking the bitter swill at Starbucks, but for anyone who has spent 45 minutes of their lives waiting at one of the new Starbucks drive-thrus while some douchebag orders a triple decaf macchiato, there is truly no suitable replacement for the ease and alacrity of the Dunkin’ Donuts drive-thru or the sweet, smooth taste of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee.

Perhaps some context is in order to fully understand how debilitating this is to me. In my view, Dunkin’ Donuts is not just some meaningless, faceless chain of coffee purveyors. I grew up in Massachusetts where Dunkin’ Donuts opened its first store in 1950 in Quincy, Massachusetts. It’s more than just coffee, it’s part of our identity. There are four defining characteristics of a true Massachusetts resident (no, one of them isn’t that “you have to be an asshole” — I know what you’re thinking). To be a righteous Massachusettsian, you have to love/appreciate/prefer these four things:

1. The Red Sox

2. Candlepin Bowling

3. Gambling/Lottery

4. Dunkin’ Donuts

So you see, not having Dunkin’ Donuts in L.A. is more than a mere inconvenience, it’s an affront to my self-identity. While Dunkin’ Donuts brand coffee is now available at Target, there’s truly no substitute for a store-brewed cup of regular Dunkin’ Donuts coffee (that’s 3 creams and 3 sugars for the uninitiated).

But lest you think that my sole desire for this post is to solipsistically rant about how I am forced to drink Starbucks, I assure you that I have a much grander purpose in mind. What I’d like to discuss is the disturbing trend that I have noticed at Dunkin’ Donuts during recent trips back to the East Coast. Since moving to Los Angeles in March of 2006, I have paid a number of visits to Dunkin’ Donuts stores in various states, drinking approximately 15 cups of coffee from 7 or 8 different franchises — a fairly substantial and diverse sample size.

My first trip back to Boston occurred in June, 2006, when I returned for a weekend to attend a good friend’s wedding. I eagerly raced to the nearest Dunkin’ Donuts location only to receive a bitter cup of coffee more consistent with black tar than the saccharine ambrosia of my fondest recollections. Another coffee from another store produced similar results, but I blindly dismissed my experiences as aberrations. Looking back I should have considered that in the previous 2,000 odd cups of Dunkin’ Donuts I had quaffed in my lifetime, I had absolutely no memory of ever having an imperfect cup. But at the time, I saw no pattern.

The exact dates and times of my subsequent Dunkin’ Donuts visits elude me, but I can attest that I drank cups from locations in Massachusetts, Vermont, New Hampshire, Connecticut, New York, and New Jersey. And what was similar was that in every instance the coffee was harsh and acrid, nothing like it used to be. A pattern had fully and undeniably emerged.

My most recent cup of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee, which I had just two weeks ago, was so hot in temperature that even after I poured half of it out and replaced it with half & half, I still couldn’t drink it ten minutes later. Now anyone who is a regular coffee drinker knows that particular restaurants will try to cover-up the low quality of their coffee by brewing it extra hot.

You may remember the infamous 1994 McDonald’s coffee case, Liebeck vs. McDonalds Restaurant, where an elderly woman sued McDonalds after she suffered third degree burns when she spilled McDonalds coffee onto her lap. ABC News called the lawsuit “the posterchild of excessive lawsuits.” Now I shouldn’t have to tell you that anytime the mainstream press informs you of something with absolute certainly, it’s best to reconsider independently; and in this case it’s no different. Because anyone who had the displeasure of imbibing the scalding hot, liquified ground rubber that McDonald’s passed off as coffee would know that McDonald’s was not some poor, little multi-billion dollar conglomerate being conned by a duplicitous 81 year old, former department store clerk. During the case, the woman’s attornies discovered that McDonald’s required its franchises to serve their coffee at between 180 and 190 degrees fahrenheit, whereas most establishments serve their coffee at approximately 140 degrees fahrenheit. At McDonald’s temperature, the coffee would cause a third-degree burn in two to seven seconds. Liebeck was awarded $2.7 million in punitive damages but eventually settled for closer to $600,000. [Note: McDonalds has since replaced their coffee with Green Mountain coffee beans].

So you might be wondering what could possibly have occurred in the past two years that would effect the quality of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee so drastically? Well, as it turns out, in December, 2005, three private-equity firms, Bain Capital Partners, the Carlyle Group and Thomas H. Lee Partners acquired Dunkin’ Donuts from Pernod Ricard, the French wine and spirits company. The deal was finalized in March, 2006, the very month I moved to California!

If Bain Capital rings a bell it’s likely because you may have recently heard that it was co-founded by that phony corporate stooge, Mitt Romney. And if the Carlyle Group sounds familar, chances are that you saw the scathing Michael Moore documentary, Fahrenheit 911, that delves into the shady history of the global private equity firm that employed George H.W. Bush as a senior advisor and listed as one of its investors the Bin Laden family. After 9/11, the Bin Laden family’s investments became embarassing to the Carlyle Group so the Bin Ladens were forced to liquidate their assets. Here’s a refresher courtesy of Michael Moore.

Finally the picture is crystal clear as to what happened to Dunkin’ Donuts: those evil rat bastards at the Carlyle Group and Bain Capital are skimping on the quality of the coffee beans in order to save a lousy buck! It gets worse, according to the New York Daily News, since 2006 Dunkin’ Donuts has been suing existing single-unit franchisees in order to replace them with multi-unit franchisees. The article, written by a Dunkin’ Donuts franchise owner, details the betrayal:

Dunkin’ Donuts has sued other franchise owners 154 times since 2006.

Over the same stretch of time, McDonalds was involved in five lawsuits. And Subway, a company that has four times the number of locations as Dunkin’ Donuts, sued its franchises 12 times.

After talking to dozens of franchise owners just like us, we learned that this was more than an unusual litigation binge. This was a corporate strategy.

In order to compete with Starbucks, Dunkin’ Donuts has announced a plan to open 15,000 stores by 2016. There’s only one problem with that plan. Because Dunkin’ Donuts is made up entirely of franchisee-owned stores, it relies on franchisees to open new stores.

Only large, multiunit owners who already own dozens of stores have the means to expand quickly.

Dunkin’s answer to this conundrum is to systematically replace single-store owners with multistore owners. And because they can’t just force these mom-and-pop shops to sell, they strong-arm them with threats of lawsuits over minor “contract infractions.”

The consequences of this are real, personal and painful. The owners of these stores – who overwhelmingly tend to be immigrants – lose their entire life’s work.

Maybe America runs on Dunkin’, but Dunkin’ itself is a corporate giant that runs on the sweat of franchisees large and small.

We small franchisees have just about been sweated out. And with us, perhaps the last vestiges of what mom-and-pop New York used to be.

Dunkin Donuts was like a kindly grandmother that plied you with tasty treats; now they’re like an alcoholic, pederast uncle that scars you for life. These corrupt, soulless bastards make me sick. And they’re un-American to boot! So this is where I draw the line; this is where I fight. To borrow a line from The Dude: “This will not stand, ya know. This aggression will not stand, man!”

You might imagine that the intended locus of my anger would be those brobdingnagian corporate entities that have hijacked my beloved Dunkin’ Donuts. Oh, but you would be mistaken. No, I prefer to put a face on my mortal enemies, so I choose to hold the George Bushes and Osama Bin Laden most responsible for this outrage even if they are no longer associated with the Carlyle Group. After all, if you’re going to misplace some anger, you can find worse targets than the Bin Laden and Bush families, right?

I feel like forming a Political Action Committee devoted to seeing George W. Bush impeached or maybe buying a rifle, flying to Pakistan, parachuting into the mountainous tribal region, living off the land for months by eating moss and tree bark, befriending the local tribesman in order to persuade them to identify Osama Bin Laden’s hidden lair, and then finally smoking his cowarldy ass. Screw due process and the rule of law, it’s time for some Edmund Dantes, Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, old-fashioned, eye-for-an-eye style vengeance!

Corporate America, in its all-encompassing pursuit to milk every last cent out of a credulous public, has finally crossed the line.  Join me, friends, our time has come to poke these avaricious mongrels where it hurts most: in the wallet! I advise an immediate boycott of the Bush family, the Bin Laden family, Dunkin’ Donuts coffee, the Carlyle Group, Bain Capital Partners, and Thomas H. Lee Partners. Divest your money! Save your souls!

Until those un-American corporate fiends have withdrawn their rapacious claws from my beloved company and Dunkin’ Donuts coffee is fully restored to its resplendent glory, we shall not rest! Our fortitude will not flag! Our anger will not abate! Anarchy will reign! Justice will prevail!

[I'm not playing around here, I'd dead serious. And as it turns out, you won't have to worry about hurting a small business owner with your boycott since it appears that they'll all soon be replaced by "multi-unit" owners anyway.]

noun and adj.

As adjective: of little value, trifling; also: petty, small-minded, prejudiced. As noun: an insignificant person or thing.

A “Picayune” was originally a Spanish coin that was used in Spanish territories as well as colonial America. Surprisingly, Spanish tender was made legal tender in the United States in 1793 until it was demonetized in 1857. The coin’s name first appeared in Florida and Louisiana where it was worth around 6.25 cents. Eventually, by extension, “picayune” took on the contemporary meaning “of little value” or “trivial” because of the limited value of the coin.

As for the The Times-Picayune, the New Orleans newspaper, it got its name from the 1914 merger of the New Orleans Times with the newspaper The Picayune, so named in 1837 because it cost one picayune. Now I have never been a regular reader of The Times-Picayune so I can’t declare it to be “of little value,” but I do find its name amusing.

Now that we’re past the 4^th of July holiday and new campaign manager Steve Schmidt has begun to retool (no pun intended) the McCain campaign, let’s have a look at the odds for the Republican Vice-Presidential candidates. The task is admittedly more difficult than handicapping the Democratic candidates as McCain’s pick will most assuredly be made in relation to whom Obama chooses. But I will fecklessly forge ahead with the caveat that I reserve my right to refine my picks after we learn the Democratic VP.

For the general criteria that is utilized to select a VP, please read my post on the Democratic VP odds, as I see no need to rehash what I wrote there. However, there are some issues specific to Senator McCain and this election that are worth elucidating.

It is generally held that the quality of a VP will not ultimately effect a voter’s decision on whether or not to vote for that candidate (see: Quayle, Dan). And I agree with that wisdom to a certain degree. But I would suggest that the stakes for John McCain are significantly higher than for most Presidential candidates. McCain certainly can’t win the election with any conceivable choice for VP, that much is certain. With the wrong choice, he could most assuredly sink his ship for good. So what are some requirements for McCain’s VP:

Will the VP be ready to assume the role of President on day one? Due to John McCain’s advanced age, voters will take a closer look at the actual qualifications of his VP. Is this person truly ready to lead our nation should tragedy befall the President? I mean, John McCain released 1,173 pages of his medical history, the War and Peace of medical records. There is some legitimate ground for concern there. Candidates that will need to learn “executive decision-making” on the job are going to be suspect in the eyes of voters.

Is the VP seen as a “true conservative” by the conservative base? It may appear that I am countermanding my previous argument that the best Vice-Presidents mirror the image of the candidate, but I’m actually not. McCain’s image as a “maverick” needs to be maintained at all costs as it is the only reason that this election should not yet be considered a fait accompli for Barack Obama. However, he also needs the conservative base to come out for him or he doesn’t stand a chance. The minefield that McCain must navigate is that he needs a VP with solid conservative credentials who will also be seen as non-conventional. I think a Lindsey Graham type would be the kiss of death for his campaign.  A “non-conventional conservative” may sound like an oxymoron, but McCain could bridge that gap by selecting a female or minority VP, someone like a Sarah Palin or Bobby Jindal. The prospect of an Obama Presidency coupled with a large – perhaps evens filibuster proof – Democratic majority in the House and Senate is a truly terrifying notion for Conservatives. They want to come home; they just need a tacit signal from John McCain that although he may have to run hard from the legacy of George W. Bush, he’s going to be a reliable conservative on such matters as Supreme Court appointees and taxes. A reliably conservative VP would go a long way towards appeasing the conservative base. And fortunately for John McCain, if he does select a “non-conventional” conservative, the national media can be counted on to ignore the true meaning of the selection in favor of the most obvious and inconsequential storyline imaginable: “Look, John McCain selected a VP with a vagina! How progressive!” or “Can you believe it? John McCain selected a brown-skinned man to be his VP!” God bless the national media, reliably predictable if nothing else. In essence, John McCain could score points with conservatives while the national media parrot the idea that he’s still a “maverick.”

On to the candidates:

Sarah Palin: Current Governor of Alaska, former two term mayor of Wasilla, Alaska.

Upside: A young, attractive female Governor who has had abnormally high approval ratings during her tenure as Governor. She is VERY popular. Her approval ratings have been as high as the 90s and consistently in the 80s, making her the most popular major politician in the United States. And it almost goes without saying that with approval numbers that high she is nearly as popular among Democrats as she is among Republicans.

Where did she come from? Well, in January 2004, she resigned in protest as head of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission due to ethical violations by another commissioner, Randy Ruedrich, who was ALSO REPUBLICAN STATE CHAIRMAN. She became a political outcast by taking a stand on the issue of government corruption. But lo and behold. she was vindicated later in 2004 when Ruedrich was forced to pay a $12,000 fine for breaking state ethics laws. She instantly became a principled crusader against corruption in the eyes of the public and a thorn in the side of Republican leaders.

But she wasn’t done yet. In 2005, she joined a Democrat in filing an ethic complaint against state Attorney General Gregg Renkes who was also a long-time campaign manager for Republican Governor Frank Murkowski. Renkes resigned a few weeks later, and Palin was again lauded as a caped crusader.

During the 2006 Republican primary for Governor, she crushed incumbent Governor Murkowski and then defeated the Democratic nominee by 8 points. Now I’m not an Alaskan and I don’t even know an Alaskan so I can’t speak for them personally, but I would hazard that the reason she enjoys such universal approval across the political spectrum is that she is seen as a politician who actually takes stands based on her beliefs, even if they are not politically expedient (hello, Senator Obama?). You may disagree with her on policy issues, but you’re going to respect anyone who radiates such personal integrity, who actually puts their money where their mouth is. Senator McCain has placed his personal sacrifice for his country as among the preeminent reasons that he more qualified than Barack Obama to be President. Who better to reinforce that image than a woman who was willing to sacrifice her political career in order to fight government corruption? Palin, who is pro-life, also just brought to term her 5^th child who has Down Syndrome.

A few other nuggets: she was a high school basketball star that took her team to the Alaska State Championship; she was second runner-up in the Miss Alaska beauty contest; she is a lifetime NRA member and her oldest son joined the Army last year.

Upside/Downside: I’m not sure whether to characterize this observation as an upside or a downside, but the fact of the matter is that Sarah Palin is hot. A former beauty queen, she has graduated to a kind of sexy, smart, Tina Fey/Naughty Librarian level of sultriness; prim and proper during the day, but a tiger in the bedroom at night. Now we all know that John McCain enjoys the company of younger women, particularly beauty queens. Voters may very well project lecherous thoughts into McCain’s head during every joint appearance.

Downside: Being Mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, population 5,000, and then serving a couple of years as Governor of Alaska do not necessarily meet most voter’s threshold for “qualifications necessary for being a heartbeat away from the most powerful and monumental job on the face of the planet.” Qualified to hunt moose from a snowmobile, perhaps.

And where does Palin stand on the pressing foreign policy issues facing this country? Like Iraq, Iran, and Texas? If McCain’s Vice-Presidential vetters are doing their jobs, they’ll be identifying exactly what she knows, what she understands, and what she believes in terms of foreign policy and national security matters. Palin’s a blank slate for most voters, they’re unlikely to give her the benefit of the doubt if she’s unable to talk the talk on these matters. And furthermore, are her views in line with John McCain’s? If there’s one thing that can be gathered from her brief political resume, it’s that she’s unlikely to be cajoled and pressured into taking positions that she disagrees with fundamentally. A politician with scruples. Unseemly, I know.

Odds: 5:1

Mitt Romney: Former Governor of Massachusetts, Republican Presidential candidate

Upside: Romney was CEO of Bain & Company and co-founder of Bain Capitol, a private equity investment firm, so he is believed to be a solid choice among voters who are concerned about the state of our economy (which is pretty much everyone except oil executives). He was also credited with “saving” the 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Olympics and is seen as someone who could help McCain raise large sums of money from the business community and Mormons (at the very least he’s loaded, so perhaps he could make another large donation to the campaign as he did during his own candidacy for President). Considered “telegenic” and “having a Presidential head of hair,” his largest value probably comes from his support in the swing state of Michigan where his father previously served as a popular Governor.

Downside: John McCain doesn’t like him, on a personal level. Now in my book, anyone who feels a visceral dislike for Mitt Romney meets a key qualification to be Commander-in-Chief. I lived in Massachusetts for the Romney years and I can tell you — without a hint of uncertainty — that Romney is a do-nothing, I’m-only-holding-this-job-as-a-springboard-to-something-better, corporate stooge. There’s a simple reason that despite having every opportunity to grab the Republican nomination he was rejected as a slick phony by Republican voters who naturally gravitate to slick phonies: even snake-oil salesman turn their noses up at this guy. Romney as VP would be the kiss of death for McCain’s campaign, count on it.

Mitt Romney’s former company, Bain Partners, also just bought my beloved Dunkin’ Donuts and decided to ruin a Massachusetts institution by utilizing inferior coffee beans in order to increase their precious profit margins. If John McCain selects Mitt Romney I will personally drop ALL criticism of Barack Obama and make it my purpose in life to see him defeat John McCain. Mitt Romney can suck it.

Odds: 6:1

Bobby Jindal: Governor of Louisiana.

Upside: The youngest Governor in the land, Jindal also served two terms in Congress and received a 98% approval rating from the American Conservative Union.  Born a Hindu, he converted to Catholicism and could help with Catholic voters in a number of key swing states. He is the first Indian-American Governor in America’s history and would be the first Asian-American on a national ticket. The historical nature of his selection would be good for an incredible amount of press coverage that could help undercut the meme that McCain’s candidacy is stale and backwards-looking while Obama’s is exciting and progressive.

Downside: At 37 years of age, Jindal could very well be McCain’s grandson. (who knows, perhaps Jindal is the infamous black baby that McCain fathered?) Jindal wouldn’t put the issue of McCain’s age to rest, he would only serve to exacerbate the issue.

Put frankly, Jindal is religious wingnut. Despite graduating as a biology major from Brown University, he refused to veto a stealth creationist bill passed by the Louisiana legislature. It’s clear from his statements on the matter that he supports the teaching of “Intelligent Design” (read: “creationism”) in our public schools. Jindal should know better. He also just recently came under fire for approving a pay raise for the Louisiana legislature. Only after being threatened by the prospect of a recall did he decide to veto the bill.

But the real coup de grace for Jindal’s VP prospects is his belief in exorcisms. You can’t make this stuff up. In a 1994 essay he wrote for the right-wing Catholic journal, New Oxford Review, Jindal details how he participated in an exorcism with some college friends. Apparently, after freeing his friend Susan of those noxious demons, her skin cancer was also cured. I can just envision the writers of Letterman, Leno, the Daily Show et al, only going to sleep after giving a sincere prayer that McCain chooses Jindal as his VP. The comic possibilities are endless.

Now I’m not saying that Jindal doesn’t have a future in national politics as there’s a high likelihood that somewhere down the line America will embrace yet another whackjob like the one we have in office – maybe even as soon as 4 or 8 years from now. But at the moment, I think we’d all like a breather from religious whackjobs (Barack Obama notwithstanding. Sorry, couldn’t resist).

Odds: 8:1

Tim Pawlenty: Two-term Governor of Minnesota.

Upside: The young, handsome Governor of a nominally blue state who was one of the earliest supporters of John McCain, serving as his national co-chair since 2007. He has an immigration plan that is to the right of John McCain’s plan, which might play better with conservatives. He’s personable and friendly and a big hockey fan who practices with the Minnesota Wild – he even used to have a hockey player mullet, which he recently trimmed. He’s generally liked by social and economic conservatives.

Downside: A rather conventional choice who lacks national recognition, and with the Republican National Convention being hosted in Minneapolis this year, it seems crazy to choose a VP from the same state. There’s no point putting all your eggs in one basket. McCain is likely to receive diminishing returns on having a Minnesota Vice-President in addition to a Minnesota Republican Convention. Why not spread the love? It looks like Obama is going to win Minnesota anyway.

He also has the audacity to believe in global warming and is pro-prescription drug importation from Canada, both breaks from Republican orthodoxy.

Odds: 10:1

Mike Huckabee: Former Governor of Arkansas, runner-up to McCain for the Republican Presidential nomination.

Upside: Huckabee has acquitted himself well since his concession. He gave an amusing, self-deprecating performance on Saturday Night Life and has managed to keep his foot out of his mouth during his role as a commentator on Fox News. And there’s no denying that Huckabee continues to have a sizable band of hardy supporters, particularly among social conservatives and the religious right. Considering that John McCain is having trouble with Evangelicals, Huckabee might be necessary to keep the Republican religious base from jumping ship.

Downside: He lacks appeal to moderates and there’s nothing particularly “maverick” about selecting the Republican Primary runner-up as your VP. His economic policies are considered laughable and he doesn’t believe in evolution. But the biggest problem with Huckabee is that the press have already written their “Hucka-Boom!” stories. What else will they have to say about the man that they haven’t written already? He’s a two or three day story, at most. McCain needs more mileage out of his VP than that.

Odds: 12:1

Charlie Crist: First term Governor of Florida.

Upside: A good conservative, he is pro-life, pro-guns, pro-capital punishment, and strong on crime. He also signed executive orders that imposed stricter air-pollution standards in Florida so he has some “green” cred, which I hear is cool.

Downside: He doesn’t have much appeal outside of Florida, which is looking increasingly like a safe state for McCain anyway. The big issue is that he’s single, which gives certain people all kinds of ideas about his personal life (read: Homo!).  I can just see the Obama camp salivating at the prospect of having a surrogate say to an interviewer, “How can we trust this guy, he’s not even married. Who knows what’s going on behind closed doors,” a statement which Obama would then condemn quickly as “inartfully worded.” Don’t you just love the “new politics”? The long and short of it is that even if McCain considers Crist the most qualified candidate, he should avoid him like the plague.

Odds: 20:1

**UPDATE** Since I wrote this entry about Charlie Crist, he just announced last Thursday that after 30 years of being single he is now engaged to his girlfriend of 9 months, Carole Rome. Coincidence or not, I have decided to improve Charlie’s odds from 30:1 to 20:1. I would still hold that his mere 2 years in office and his white-haired, white guy status would not make him a good fit for McCain’s #2.

Eric Cantor: Four term Congressman from Virginia.

Upside: As the lone Republican Jew in Congress, Cantor is strongly Pro-Israel and could potentially appeal to Jews in key swing states, particularly to Jews in Philadelphia and Cleveland. He has a strong and reliable conservative record and as Chief Deputy Whip for House Republicans, he is one of the party’s highest ranking leaders despite being only 45. He’s also Chairman of the House Terrorism and Unconventional Warfare Taskforce so he should be able to speak soundly on national security matters.

He represents the key swing state of Virginia that McCain absolutely must win to have a chance at the Presidency and he’s known as a top fundraiser.

Downside: Most voters don’t think all too highly of Congressional representatives (and for good reason) and Cantor is far from a household name. While he would probably meet the approval of the conservative base and might help sway voters in Virginia and other Southern states, it’s unlikely that his selection would “light a fire” under the conservative base, something which McCain’s campaign desperately needs.

Odds: 25:1

Rob Portman: Six term representative from Ohio, Director of the Office and Budget for George Bush from 2006 to 2007.

Upside: As the economy hits the shitter, his economic background might provide good balance to the admittedly “economically-challenged” John McCain. He was also a reliable conservative as a legislator so he should appeal to the conservative base.

Downside: In case you haven’t noticed, the Obama campaign is going to great lengths to tie John McCain to George W. Bush. Hardly a minute goes by that some Obama surrogate doesn’t refer to McCain as “George Bush III” or “John McSame.” They’re doing that for a good reason: George Bush is not popular; being associated with George Bush is bad. Therefore, it might not be such a hot idea to choose a VP who is friends with George Bush and actually served in his Cabinet.

Odds: 30:1

Joe Lieberman: Independent Senator from Connecticut, on the 2000 Democratic ticket as Al Gore’s VP.

Upside: A good friend of John McCain’s and a staunch supporter of the war in Iraq. Might – emphasis on might – have some appeal to Independents and moderate Democrats.

Downside: Lieberman is persona non grata among most Democrats so he’s not going to have much crossover appeal. Democrats feel he’s a turncoat and Republicans won’t accept him as a true believer. He’s more valuable to McCain as a supporter than a VP. Plus, who can honestly take seriously a politician who started out as Democrat, and then became an Independent, and is now going to transform yet again into a Republican? Please. At 66, he’s also almost as old as McCain.

Odds: 50:1

The Field:

Lindsey Graham: Senator from South Carolina, early supporter and friend of John McCain, could help unite conservative base in the South. But seriously, can you look at this goober and actually consider him as a Vice-President?

John Thune: Self-described Christian Conservative Senator from South Dakota who deposed Democratic Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle in 2006, young, supports a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, but basically a snooze.

Carly Fiorina: Former CEO of Hewlett Packard and a McCain advisor, received a huge  $20 million dollar severance package when she left HP in 2005 so would likely be tied to all the recent examples of corporate greed and corruption.

Mark Sanford: Governor of South Carolina, known for having an independent streak. During his time in Congress, would be one of two members, along with Ron Paul, that would vote against certain bills that otherwise received unanimous support – this is not a good thing to be siding with Ron Paul, unless you’re one of those Ron Paul fanatics.

Odds: 25:1

Conclusions:

Best Pick:  Sarah Palin. Her youth and inexperience on foreign policy matters are handicaps, but her appeal to conservatives and the novelty/boldness of her selection would guarantee McCain plenty of good press. The former high school basketball star, beauty queen, and principled crusader against government malfeasance is the type of story that would have reporters crying tears of joy. Whether you agree with her on the issues or not, it would be very difficult for Democrats to besmirch her integrity as a corrupt, hypocritical Republican (not that the Huffington Post or Daily Kos are known for their integrity. I’d put the over/under on two days before they’d start attacking her for giving birth to her child with Down Syndrome. Perhaps they might advocate for the old Spartan practice of leaving “defective” babies on the slope of a mountain to die. There’s a real, palpable sickness on the far left in this country. They are allowing their arrogance and anger to subjugate their sense of decency. If there’s anything they should have learned from the past 7 years, it’s that there are consequences for that kind of behavior. A reckoning, if you will. It is sad and unfortunate that they lack the self-awareness to see that.)

Runner-Up: Eric Cantor. I flip-flopped back and forth on this decision (uh-oh, there goes my political career), but I finally went with Palin over Cantor even though Cantor represents a vital swing state. Cantor would still be a fine selection for McCain, but I think his status as a white male marks him as too conventional for this election [note: as a Jew, I do NOT self-identify as a white male. Judaism is unique among major religions in that it is a religion AND an ethnicity. However, rest assured our national media will characterize Cantor as a white guy). Cantor also lacks the image of being a reformer.

Likely Pick: Sarah Palin. I have a feeling that John McCain has a fairly thorough understanding of the situation he faces: a bad economy, rising gas prices, voters who are angry and fed-up with our government leaders, and a charismatic opponent that has a pliant national media eating out of  his hands. A year ago McCain’s Presidential campaign was all but buried and he decided – whether through principle or not (not that it matters) – to make the highly unpopular decision to back the troop surge in Iraq. And here he is. He needs to hitch his ride to another long-shot and hope that lightning strikes. What does he have to lose? Without a doubt, this is his last Presidential election. If he plays it safe with a Mitt Romney or Mike Huckabee, he’s road kill. Sometimes being the significant underdog is a blessing in disguise. McCain needs to make a pick that shows daring and boldness, that shakes up people’s perception of him, that wakes up his conservative base, that reminds the voting public that he is not George Bush III. I can’t think of anyone better than Sarah Palin to accomplish that. John McCain needs to roll the dice one more time. With the number of disaffected Clinton voters who don’t plan on voting for Obama actually GROWING in number, selecting Palin for VP might just be the tipping point that leads to a mass exodus of Clinton supporters away from Obama. Like I said, what does McCain have to lose?

adj.

Vulgar or indecent in speech, crude, offensive, irreverent.

Try to be ribald at least once a day, it’s good for the health.

The Indians should have won the World Series last year. Joel Skinner held up Kenny Lofton at third base in Game 7 of the ALCS. It would have been the tying run and changed the momentum of the game, sending the Tribe onto winning the World Series against the lowly Rockies. But what most people don’t remember is that the two aces of the Indians staff CC Sabathia and Fausto Camona 4 starts were the 4 loses they had in the series. The Indians never recovered. But note: Joel Skinner still has a job as the third base coach, which defies any sense of reason. Just like the CW Network.

Mark Shapiro, the reigning MLB executive of the year, did nothing in the off-season. Nothing except for looking at his stupid red hair. Going into the season, Shapirio’s corner outfielders were Franklin Gutierrez and the scary platoon of Jason Michaels and David Dellucci (yep). His corner infielders were Casey Blake and Ryan Garko (double yep). Combined, those five players in the power positions have only 28 homeruns! Grady Sizemore, our leadoff hitter, has 22 alone. Imagine if they still had Manny Ramirez, Jim Thome, Richie Sexson, Brian Giles, Ryan Church, Milton Bradley, Ryan Ludwick, Jeff Kent and Brandon Phillips — then they have 121 combined homers. But hey, why hold on to a power hitter? Don’t they strike out a lot or something.

Boiling it down, here’s what happened in 2008. No power. A complete collapse of the bullpen (everybody knew Borowski was done, I’d honestly rather have Jose Mesa back closing). Travis “PronK” Hafner has lived up to his nickname and proved himself to be a career project and donkey combined. And starting pitchers Jake Westbrook and Carmona have been out most of the season. The Indians sucked it. Big time. Like Lewinsky. Looking at the situation now, it’s no surprise. But I didn’t see this coming, and neither did the “experts.”

So CC Sabathia was traded the other day for 4 prospects. He should have been traded. CC may get 150 million dollars in free agency next year — probably from the Yankees, Red Sox, or Dodgers (surprising, eh). The Indians would never pay that, and if I were pulling the strings, I wouldn’t either. CC is TOO FAT to get that kind of money. Plain and simple. He’ll eventually break down (this is what we have to say as a fan). We’ve been down this path before with Bartolo Colon, who looks anorexic compared to CC. That trade worked out for us — we got Sizemore and Cliff Lee, our only 2 All-Stars this year. I don’t think Bartolo can even walk to the mound now. Seriously, I don’t think he can.

The Indians get a power hitter in Matt LaPorta and other nameless guys. You can never tell if a prospect is going to be good (see Andy Marte’s 1 RBI in 63 at bats), but LaPorta looks the part. The move is in-line with Shapiro’s philosophy: find great prospects and let them flourish in the majors at a discounted rated for the first 6 years of their career and let somebody else pay them for the last 6 years of their career when they fade out. It doesn’t always work out, but at least it’s a philosophy. I mean, the Indians should have won the World Series last year, right? So the philosophy is working, right?

This what gets us Cleveland fans by. Maybe next year. Go Browns.

That’s all I got.